So, who's your mom? Or rather, who's the mom?
The thought I've been pondering about is this: is it acceptable to refer to any woman, whether related to you or not, by "Mom/Momma/Mommy/etc." just because she has a child or children? Is this cultural? Ethical? Am I wrong for not doing it?
It goes like this...I walk into a room with a nurse so she can introduce me (we don't do it this way all the time, just when we/I think it would help as the nurse already has built rapport with the patient), and the nurse knocks on the door, enters, and excitedly says "Hey Momma! This is so and so, blah blah blah, you get the picture." They never use the word Mom in any way other than a positive way.
The first time I actually heard this happen my immediate reaction was shock. 'Like, did I hear her right?! Ok it's just this once, I'll let it go.' But it happened again. And again. And again. Not every nurse or healthcare professional does this, but many do. And I still feel a little shocked each time I hear it.
Growing up for me was different than it is for most. I was adopted. My birth mother could not raise me. But I knew who she was, she was a family member. I never called her Mom or any form of the word. I called my adoptive mother, Mom. She was my mom. She was raising me. In my mind, my birth mother did not deserve to be called Mom (and yes, this is another story for another day!). The word Mom, to me, was sacred and only one's mom should be called that. I've realized this is a value for me.
I consider myself an open, empathetic person and one who is not quick to judge. So when I realized that hearing the use of 'Mom' in a different way was actually bothering me, I knew I needed to think deep about it and examine myself. So, thinking on this topic has me all over the place. It seems for some it is a cultural, respect thing. I actually hear the use of this word more among African Americans. I rarely hear it among Caucasians.
I think it is mostly used as an endearing way to say "dear, hun, hey you, etc." and is an affectionate term. But does using this word devalue women? What if one can't be a mom, for whatever reason? What if a woman who just lost a child is called 'Mom' by someone who doesn't know her situation?
While writing this, I realized I hear the use of 'Mom/Mommy/Momma' in another way too - adults calling small female children 'Momma.' What if that child grows up, remembering that she was once called 'Momma' but she cannot have children. Does this affect her at all? Again, are we devaluing moms by calling non-moms this? Are we putting undue pressure on women who don't want to be moms or who can't be moms?
I don't have the answer. I don't have most answers! I do know for me though, I am uncomfortable calling anyone else but my mother, 'Mom.' It's ok with me though if you feel otherwise and practice differently than I do. Just make sure you've really thought this through and are doing it for the right reasons and appropriately.
