"He Never Hit Me"

Two QUICK reads...

I Got Flowers Today

It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night,
And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said.
Because he sent me flowers today.

It wasn't our anniversary any other special day.

Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn't believe it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

and it wasn't Mother's Day or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again.
And it was much worse than all the other times.
If I leave him, what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids?
What about money?
I'm afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

Today was a very special day.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night, he finally killed me.
He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flowers...today.

by Paulette Kelly

Here's the other thing to read - a story I came across recently that really resonated with me. Many people only think domestic violence is physical, like it isn't DV if he doesn't hit you.  Sorry, but that's not true.  DV comes in many shapes and forms.  This story gives a good look at DV from the perspective of someone who never got hit. Click HERE.

Domestic Violence is YOUR Issue!

The story from yesterday was an all too typical story of what I used to see on a daily basis, for the eight years I worked in the field of domestic violence. But the story was also just a glimpse. I literally could talk all day about DV and it's effects on people, society and YOU.  For starters, did you know that in Texas, in 2012, there were 188,992 instances of DV (more info here)???

I can guarantee that every single person reading this knows someone affected by DV, if you haven't been affected by it first hand. Think about it.  Remember an old neighbor, that friend you had in 8th grade who house you could never stay at on the weekends but were never sure of why, the woman at church who 'just tripped and fell,' breaking her ankle (for the third time), the man in front of you in line at Target who jumps just a little every time his wife starts talking to him, or how about the child you saw at the playground who starts to cry every time his mom begins to correct him for doing something she didn't like. 

Domestic violence is my passion, per se. I did my Master's level research on domestic violence (I looked at the correlation between women who are abused and the rate at which they then abuse drugs/substances as a method of coping), have been to and led many trainings and class discussions on the topic, and still read and research the topic to this day. It's still not enough though.  Domestic violence is an epidemic. But we still don't talk about it!  Did you know that "Domestic violence affects one in four women...that's more than breast cancer, ovarian cancer and lung cancer COMBINED!" (link). Yes, please support breast cancer awareness and please do not forget about that devastating disease, BUT please don't leave out domestic violence either!!

Yes, I have a new job now, but no, I will never forget about domestic violence, how it has affected my life, and I will continue to spread the word about what DV is and how YOU can help.  DV is actually a fairly large part of what I do now (perinatal social work), as noted with the following stats:

• Homicide is the SECOND LEADING CAUSE OF TRAUMATIC DEATH among pregnant and recently pregnant women in the U.S., accounting for 31 percent of maternal injury deaths.
• Women experiencing abuse in the year prior to and/or during a recent pregnancy are 40 to 60 percent more likely than non-abused women to report high-blood pressure, vaginal bleeding, severe nausea, kidney or urinary tract infections and hospitalization during pregnancy and are 37 percent more likely to deliver preterm. Children born to abused mothers are 17 percent more likely to be born underweight and more than 30 percent more likely than other children to require intensive care upon birth. 

Scary huh?!?! So for the next few posts, I'm going to talk about what domestic violence is, what to look for when trying to identify a victim of DV, why victims stay with abusers, and what you can do as a member of society (and specifically a nurse :)). #DVseries - here I come :)

Unless specifically noted, all the aforementioned information, besides my own opinions, were gleaned from the following: www.futureswithoutviolence.org, www.tcfv.org, www.thehotline.org 

A little story to think on...

"When we started dating, I was young and impressionable and he was cool and charming. He seemed so sweet. I hadn’t been looking for a relationship when I met him but he was so crazy about me and he made me feel really good about myself. He told me that I was beautiful and that he had never felt that way about anyone before. He wanted to be with me all the time. We became inseparable. It wasn’t long before he told me that he was in love with me. I didn’t feel ready to say it back, but I did. I still don’t know why. I did grow to love him though. He became my whole world. I didn’t mind when he asked me questions all the time; I thought it was because he was worried about me and it made me feel loved. After a few months though, the questions turned to interrogations. Then he started telling me that I couldn’t go certain places or hang out with certain people. I tried to be understanding about it; I wanted to make him happy. But the “off-limit” list just kept growing. I found that I was blowing my friends off all the time, not because I didn’t want to see them, but because I wanted to avoid a fight. I hated fighting with him. He was so mean when we fought. I knew all those horrible things he said about me weren’t true, but it hurt so bad hearing them from the mouth of the man I loved. I just wanted to keep him happy. After we had been dating for a few months, I got pregnant. When he found out, he wanted to marry me. I wasn’t sure what I wanted; he was so controlling. I missed the little things that came with freedom. I felt stuck; trapped. But I said yes. I wanted to be a family. Things changed after that though. We fought all the time. It seemed like I was always the enemy, always the one to blame.

"And then it happened. I was four months pregnant at the time. He came home in the middle of the night, drunk. He had been in a fight. I don’t remember what I said to make him mad but he hit me, hard, across the face. I was in shock. Crying, I started to leave. That infuriated him and he pushed me against the wall. I was afraid to move. I just wanted to leave but he had the car keys in his pocket.  I tried to calm him. I told him I just wanted to go, that he would hurt the baby if he pushed me, but he kept pushing me and throwing me around. At some point, he finally stopped. He went to bed with the keys still in his pocket. I curled up on the couch and cried throughout the night. I thought about calling someone to pick me up but something stopped me. I was so ashamed, so confused.  I have never felt so alone in my life.

"The next morning, I told him I was leaving him. He just kept saying that he was so sorry, so ashamed. He explained that he had taken some pills that night; that he had blacked out and hadn’t known what he was doing. He even cried, saying he would never, ever hurt me again. He promised he’d do anything if I stayed. Feeling as though I had nowhere to go and just wanting to forget the whole thing ever happened, I told him that I would stay if he would take anger management classes and go to Narcotics Anonymous so he could finally kick his habit of taking pills. He promised he would. That night he bought me dinner and left roses in a vase on the table next to an “I’m sorry” card.

"Over the next several months, our relationship was rocky and we fought all the time. He never did take anger management or go to drug rehab. He kept taking pills and they kept making him angry and unpredictable. I got used to being insulted and put down every day. I stayed though, because the baby was coming and he promised that once our son was here, he would stop taking pills. I believed him that he would stop, and figured that when he did, the verbal abuse would stop too.

"After our son was born, he was out drinking and taking pills more than ever before. I was angry and bitter because I was always left alone with our baby; because he never helped me with him, he didn’t seem to care that I was exhausted or that I needed him. When our son was only a few months old, it happened again. I had stayed the night at my mom’s place so she could help me with my son and I could get some sleep. He had been gone for most of the weekend anyways. When he got home in the morning, he called me and demanded that I came home. When I got there, he slapped me. He was so mad that I had gone to my mom’s. He hadn’t known where I was, he said, he had been worried sick. Why couldn’t I take care of my own son? He wasn’t enough help? Was I even at my mom’s or was I out “whoring” around? I told him that no, he wasn’t enough help. That’s when he punched me, again and again and again. He was yelling and screaming the whole time and so was I. I don’t know who called the cops, but when they came, he told me to hide in the closet. He said that if I came out and said anything, they would call CPS and they would take my son away from me. I couldn’t lose my son, and I was scared, so I got in the closet. I heard him telling the cops that we had gotten into a screaming argument and that I had driven away but that everything was O.K. They believed him and they left. This time, he apologized but there were no flowers, no dinner, no promises to change.

"Back then, he only hit me every few months, but as the months went by, he starting hitting me harder, and more often.  He made excuses a lot, usually blaming the pills, the alcohol, and his troubled childhood. And he apologized after hurting me, most of the time. Every now and then, he would promise to go to rehab and stop taking pills and drinking so much. Sometimes he’d tell me he would stop hitting me, but after another year, I stopped believing it. I stayed anyways though because I had a daughter on the way. I wanted my children to have a dad. I still wanted to be a family.

"After my daughter was born, we started fighting a lot again. I was walking on eggshells all the time. I was a nervous wreck, exhausted, and I never knew what to expect from him. One night last month, he came home drunk. I hadn’t known where he was but I could tell he had taken some pills and been drinking. When I refused to have sex with him, he pushed me off the bed. I woke up a few hours later. My head was bleeding and throbbing. I had hit it on the bedside table. My babies were crying and he was gone. I felt like I was dying. I was dizzy and in a daze. I couldn’t see straight and my head hurt too bad to stand up. I called my friend and she came to get me. She dropped the kids off at her mom’s house and she drove me to the hospital. I didn’t want to go but she wouldn’t take no for an answer. When I got there, all I could do was cry. I didn’t tell anyone what had happened but they knew. A social worker came to speak with me. I didn’t tell her either, but she knew. She told me there was a place I could go for free where they would help me get my own place and where they would keep me safe.  I could leave whenever I wanted. He never had to know I was there. No one had to know. I was so scared of him, so I agreed to go, just to try it out."

I'll post a follow-up soon, promise!